telling the truth, part four (the end)

I won’t experience the fullness of redemption until I die or Jesus comes back (HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE), but I am being renewed day by day. Sometimes I get tired of crying, which only makes me cry more, but God has been so faithful to supply every need.* After posting the first part of my testimony, I was shocked by the amount of people who had similar stories. I felt burdened for days because I seriously, actually hate that sexual abuse is so common, especially within the church. There is a comfort in knowing I’m not alone, though. Most people who contacted me hadn’t shared the truth yet, but felt empowered to do so after reading my story. I couldn’t help but cry after each message, bewildered that God would use me to bring about freedom in another person’s life. I’m honored.
A lot of people have asked what I personally need prayer for, so here’s where I am:
1. My life still feels a little fragile and chaotic. I’ve found that I can only process things for three or four days at a time before going crazy. I’ve taken up watercolor painting and cupcake making, though, which helps my brain from spontaneously combusting. I’m tired (and look tired) almost always, because it turns out your body is physically affected by the sudden surfacing of a decade’s worth of emotions. This is part of the process but it can get exhausting, so I’d love prayer for joy and energy.
2. In the past months of book-reading and life-processing, I’ve realized how much resentment and distrust I have towards my family and consequently the church. I’ve joined a congregation that I love and immediately connected with, but there is still part of me that anticipates being harmed and rejected by the leadership. I am confident that God has placed me underneath healthy leaders that will nurture and support me, but I’d love prayer for a healed, trusting heart towards the church. I’ve found myself trying to impress them and earn their approval, but God has been faithful to let me trip and stumble through it all. I think I ugly-cried in front of the teaching pastor within a month. Andone of the first weeks I led worship, I accidently slept through the entire morning service. Walking in for the next three gatherings, I expected everyone to roll their eyes and shove a microphone in my face. Instead, the worship pastor gave me a fist pump and said, “I’m happy you’re alive.” YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS.
3. As of this moment, I thinkI’ve forgiven the boy who abused me. But it’s a daily choice and steady struggle, so I’d love prayer for a forgiving, humble heart towards my abuser. I’ve written this before, but I’ll say it again: my offenses against God are infinitely greater than my abuser’s offenses against me. Because Jesus radically forgave me, I am compelled to extend that same forgiveness to others.
4. Digging deeper, it seems that I’m more damaged by the spiritual abuse that allowed forunresolved sexual abuse rather than the sexual abuse by itself. It’s all pretty dreadful, but I’ve found it most difficult to walk in forgiveness in this area. That being said, I most need prayer for a forgiving, humble heart towards my extended family. I think I’ve cognitively forgiven them, meaning I knowit’s the right thing to do…but this reality hasn’t seeped into my heart yet. Some days I pray that God would bless them. Other days I pray for a meteor attack. This kind of bitterness only harms me, though. I continually go back to the truth that nobody has mistreated me more than I have mistreated God. While I have been wronged, I am ultimately a wrongdoer. Clearly I’m still working through things and can’t say I have the attitude of a saint yet… but I’m getting there, one day at a time.

Honestly, I’ll take all the prayers I can get. I’m not picky even a little bit. Really though, thank you for caring and reading and reaching out to me over the past few weeks. I literally jump around my room at every message because I know God is doing something here, way beyond my story or circle of friends or blog posts. He is on the move, I’m certain of it.
In many ways, I feel as if I’m finishing the introduction chapter of my life. History has been accounted for and the stage has been set. There is a wonderful adventure ahead and I know good days are coming.
The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater. –Tolkien, Lord of the Rings
*When I say I cry all the time, I’m not even remotely kidding. I teared up during a Publix commercial the other day and realized it was a problem.

5 thoughts on “telling the truth, part four (the end)

  1. Its amazing how God can use one person's story, to begin a wave of healing in so many other's lives. I'll be praying girl .. and I just want to say again, that your strength and grace in even the most difficult of circumstances, is both inspiring and beautiful. Love you ❤

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  2. Dear Savannah,

    If I told you that I cried, seriously, for almost two years straight…would you believe me? It's true. When all that you thought you knew and loved (and professed to love you) comes crashing down around you…and those who you thought would always love you are the ones to actually ATTACK you – well, the victim becomes the outcast and a “victim” all over again. The pain is excruciating. I have experienced that. I wouldn't wish it on ANYONE!

    Trust is broken, the strong bond of love that you thought would hold everything together lets go and you fall – then everything else seems to fall apart and you think you'll just die. But you won't. You will fall right into our Father's loving arms.

    Humans fail us. This I know…. 🙂 They are all too often caught up in themselves, their plans, their image, their “ministry” and anything or anyone that poses a threat to that – must be put “outside the circle” – well, honey, all I can say is that THAT is a circle you don't want to be a part of….find happiness in being a “square”! 🙂

    What you are experiencing is not unlike coming out of a cult. Seriously. Alot was revealed to me in the video, The Kundalini Warning, (it's three 9-minute parts – Part II in the opening seconds will shock you – you will recognize many of the people). I'll put the links here:

    Part I: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM9w43PeomQ

    PAY ATTENTION TO THE VERY OPENING SECONDS OF THIS PART II:

    Part II: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCcGaTRwG_4

    Part III: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWeUNoR30_0

    You were spiritually abused! It was like a sick cult for while. I don't think that was what it meant to become, however, many of the “signs and wonders” people went off in a totally ungodly way and it cost them! It cost LIVES….

    God brought it all down hon…HE DID! and He's NOT DONE YET. More will come to the surface – but not for you to worry. He will protect you.

    Read up on coming out of a cult – I'm serious – you need to. It's very similar.

    You will heal from it all Savannah – this I promise you. God is our healer – HE SEES ALL! Nothing escapes His sight. Those who are set up to be “teachers” or “pastors” will be called to a much stricter judgement. I hope He intervenes soon so as to save their souls….some should not even be approaching the pulpit and speaking. Not after what has been allowed to happen and go unchecked. Those who remained silent are guilty. Those who knew and did NOTHING – are guilty. Remaining in ministry is not an option. They must step down or they'll find themselves working AGAINST the plan of God. Not a safe place to be…

    You are being prayed for daily by me. I love you Savannah and I love your family. Please, also, give my love to your Mom and Dad. I miss you all. I'm sorry – for everything!

    Love,

    Kathleen

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  3. Savannah, there's a GREAT LIGHT at the end of your tunnel. Greater than you have ever seen…the time will come where you will be surprised on how faithful God is! God has NEVER left you, and many, many people will be set free from your out right truth…God's will in your life WILL BE DONE. Not to say down days will never come but you're not alone, down days come for us all of us. We overcome evil with good, sadness with joy, hate with love, negative's with positive's, sickness with healing, confusion with peace. Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS!
    God gave me a an analogy when I was in my darkest pit…He showed me Mohammed Ali the GREATEST CHAMPION OF THE WORLD as he always referred to himself God reminded me of a great fight he had where he won. Both of his eyes were swollen, blood, sweat, weak, tired, got knocked down, got back up, and won. This is what made him a champion..he never ever quit he got up again, and again, and again, no matter how he felt or looked he was the champ and nobody was going to stop this!They were never going to keep him down or keep him from being the champ. To this day there never has been a fighter like him! What I'm saying is KEEP GETTING UP, let NOTHING keep you down, and keep on pressing toward the mark of the prize of the high calling in Christ Jesus. God wants us all to be Champions, and Savannah your'e one as long as you keep getting up every time your down and keep on pressing towards God! After all you already have the victory! Praying always. love Cindy

    May 13, 2013

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  4. May many be impacted by the utter beauty of your life and the truth you are living! The enemy of our souls would have had you believe that, in the face of such injustice, confession and forgiveness are inimical to self-preservation. And yet you would have none of his lie. The “Light that shines brighter than the sun” is alive and well and vividly seen in you. Thank you for sharing.

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