: one year later

The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad. 
Psalm 126:3
 

One year ago, I shared my story of sexual abuse for the first time.

In that moment, it would’ve been impossible for me to understand the significance of telling the truth- impossible to grasp the amount of change and grief and growth I would experience. For nine months, I cried and yelled at God, then cried about yelling at God until my eyes were swollen shut. I started going to therapy. I lost relationships with half of my family. I gained a new family with my church. I took school seriously. I fell in love with the book of Lamentations. I got really good at making cupcakes. I stopped reading my Bible. I started reading my Bible. I watched more movies than you can imagine. I apologized. I forgave. I listened to fifty-two David Platt sermons. Then I decided he was too heavy and listened to Louie Giglio for a while. I dyed my hair 10 times. I wrote a few dozen songs, all of which have the same “BUT SERIOUSLY, JESUS, WHERE DID YOU GO?” theme. I memorized Psalm 139. I had good days, but mostly bad days, until my 22nd birthday happened and God lifted me out of the desert and threw me into the Pacific Ocean. I can’t really explain what happened/ why my 22nd birthday marked a new season of life for me, it just did. Something changed and God brought me into a time of joy and laughter and rest. 
 
A few months after telling the truth, I wrote this prayer in my journal:
 
“Although I try to control you with rituals and disciplines, I pray that you’ll provide for me mercifully simply because you are God and you are good. When I refuse to acknowledge and recognize you at work, I pray that you manifest yourself even more powerfully. Not because I am good, but because you are good. I pray for a moldable heart. For a pure, childlike heart. For humility and sensitivity, for a heart that pleases you. I pray that I desire you above success and acceptance and security and happiness. Not because I am good or deserve these things, but because you are good.”
 
One year later, I praise God for answering these prayers. He delivered me from being enslaved to abuse, neglect, and acceptance. He is healing my heart. He gave my childlike eyes and a sensitive spirit. He has been faithful to me…. and not in the God-was-faithful-to-the-Israelites kind of way, but in the God-was-faithful-to-Savannah-Ellis kind of way.
 
One year later, I praise God for fulfilled promises and answered prayers.
He has done great things for me; I am glad.

One thought on “: one year later

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