being 24 feels a lot like…

Being 24 feels a lot like jumping off a plane.

Actually, it feels like being pushed off a plane, because I don’t think I’d have the guts to jump if not for the nudge of His voice, saying, “I promise I won’t let you splatter on the ground like an unlucky bug against someone’s windshield.”

And sometimes I believe Him—the part where He says I won’t be a splattered bug. But other times I don’t believe Him because it feels like I’m frozen and falling at the same time; like nothing is moving but everything is changing. Like the second act is about to start and I haven’t even been cast in the play yet.

Being 24 feels a lot like being lost, too.

I’m afraid I’ll never find my place.
I’m afraid I’ve missed the mark.
(Cue Michael W. Smith’s “Place in This World”)

Being 24 feels a lot like grabbing a penny and scraping away at a lottery ticket in hopes that the winning numbers are underneath it.

And the thing is, I’m almost exclusively gifted within the realms of creativity. I hate numbers, science doesn’t make sense to me, and I don’t love reading unless there are pictures. I write songs in my spare time, most of which will only reach the ears of God, and I’m strangely intrigued by space and North Korea. And the frustrating part is that I’m not the only creative person. I’m not even the most creative person. In fact, I’m in a city populated by a million creative, misunderstood people just like me. So we’re all running around like chickens with our heads cut off, simply trying to find our roles on the world’s stage. We fund our dreams with a hundred part-time jobs and occasionally see glimpses of their potential fulfillment when a record label calls or your friend’s friend knows a guy who might be able to get you an interview for that dream job. We work and scrape away in hopes that a big reveal will come and we finally realize the purpose for which we were made. Hoping we’ll understand why our hearts inherently resist any vocation that makes money or why we got a degree in theology or why we didn’t take that scholarship to graduate school last Fall (hypothetically, of course).

Being 24 feels a lot like being lost while jumping off a plane while scraping a lottery ticket that has the numbers of a code that unlocks your parachute so you don’t splatter on the ground like a bug on someone’s windshield.

That’s what it feels like, and that’s what I feel like today.
But like I said, other days I believe the part about Him being God and sovereign and all.

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