Driving to work this morning, my mind wandered to a conversation I had several years ago. It was one of those conversations in which your body instinctively holds it together, proving you’re strong and indestructible, then you walk out of the room or hang up the phone and everything falls apart— cue tears, pajamas, chocolate, anger.
At the core of it all, I desperately wanted this person to tell me I belonged. He worked at a church and I felt traumatized by church and instead of taking ownership of my pain, I wanted him to alleviate it. I wanted him to fix everything for me.
But he didn’t.
I called a friend and ranted: “Isn’t he being sort of insensitive to what I just went through?” I talked and she listened and asked questions and eventually said, “You know what, Savannah? It sounds like you’re really hurt.”
(….and? Can’t you fix it?! Can’t you fix me being hurt so I don’t have to feel my own pain?!)
Crickets.
She didn’t fix me either.
To the right a scratched-up silver van cruised by, donning a bumper sticker that read, “No Pain, No Gain” and it made me giggle. Nothing great comes without suffering, does it?
Looking back (#2020vision), I am filled with gratitude that both of those people had boundaries and didn’t “Fix me” like I wanted them to. I was forced to take ownership of my own life and feel the suffering I was avoiding.
And because of that pain, I grew. I developed endurance. I was more resilient than I realized. I cultivated a real relationship with God. I leaned on my community in more appropriate ways. I developed boundaries. I learned to trust the Spirit inside me. I found my voice.
Maybe you need to hear this today? You don’t need anybody to fix you. You can take ownership of your life and experience the pain and feel the feelings and know you’re going to make it. You’re going to grow in directions you couldn’t imagine because suffering has a way of redirecting you like nothing else can. Cheering you on from my corner of the world, friend.
(Below is a picture of me winning a game of mini-golf after getting 3 holes-in-one, and when will be a better time to celebrate?!)
