A few weekends ago I had several difficult conversations back-to-back-to-back and each talk left me more vulnerable than the one before. I felt like I’d been flipped inside-out, sort of like what you do to nice jeans before throwing them in the washer. I was exposed and sensitive and off balance.
Heightened moments of vulnerability often leave me “hungover” and ashamed, questioning everything I said or did. I go back and replay every word, every facial expression. I wonder if I should’ve kept my mouth shut and suppressed my feelings.
Sound familiar? It’s called rumination. It’s a common, sneaky manifestation of shame. Like a Netflix binge, I replay memories I’ve seen a hundred times, combing through every detail and pronouncing judgment on myself/others:
“I’m such an idiot.”
“I can’t believe she said that to me!”
“Why was I so awkward?!”
“What do you think he meant by *that* phrase?”
It’s a way our minds cope with shame we’re experiencing, by addictively hyper-focusing on past experiences in an effort to “fix” them, when the truth is— we can’t go back and change what happened. Time-travel only happens in the imagination.
Every time I watch the episode of Friends where Ross cheats on Rachel (“We were on a break!”) I feel this way. I’ve seen it a million times, but part of me holds on to hope that Ross will make a better choice even though IT’S AN ACTUAL RECORDED TELEVISION SHOW AND I HAVE ZERO CONTROL OVER THE PLOT.
Sometimes, when I am ruminating over the past, I think of that episode of Friends and say, “I can’t change Ross and I can’t change the past.”
…but you know what I can do? I can deal with the PRESENT shame I’m experiencing by externalizing my internal thought processes and revealing shame for what it is: and attack on my Belovedness. Some effective ways to do that are:
Invite God to share God’s perspective about the conversation, argument, or awkward interaction you’re replaying. Imagine the memory in your mind and invite God to participate! See what happens.
Have a follow-up conversation if needed! Oftentimes, resolution is as simple as a text or quick phone call.
Share what you’re feeling with friends. The minute you share a simple, “I’m feeling shame about *THIS*” you give others an opportunity to speak truth over your identity.
If you’ve been stuck in a rumination cycle, I hope you feel encouraged to reach out to someone. Shame feeds off secrecy and dies in the light of vulnerability. May you draw near to light today.
