Last Fall, I went to therapy more often than usual because I was stuck in a frustrating codependent cycle. It seriously felt like I was locked in a washing machine and whenever I got triggered by a situation/person/social media post, the “Start Cycle” button lit up and I’d spin around for 30-minutes till I couldn’t tell up from down. Whenever I’m in that spiral, I tend to accommodate everyone around me, working extra hard to take up ZERO space, have ZERO opinions and make ZERO waves in the relational pool. I strip myself of my own voice in order to self-protect.
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Some people cope in other ways, getting louder and more abrasive and opinionated in order to dominate their perceived threats into submission (aka most people on Twitter).
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During one session, Shari said I was exhibiting adolescent behaviors. She noted multiple instances I said I was scared of getting “in trouble.”
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“Teenagers feel like they get in trouble, but you’re 28 years old. You don’t get in trouble with your friends/boss/parents/people on Facebook anymore. You have peer-to-peer conflict. You’re not a child.”
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The washing-machine-spiral sends me into adolescence. I feel like I did as a voiceless child being abused with no way out. I feel powerless. I feel scared of getting in trouble with the “adults.”
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But getting *out* of said spiral comes with realizing I AM an adult. I have a voice that matters. I am not powerless. Conflict is peer-to-peer and I can vocalize my opinions, thoughts, and needs without timidity..
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No pretty, I’m-all-fixed-now ending paragraphs here— I just wanted to share a bit of the process and remind you that you’re an adult with a voice and the power to step out of the darn washing machine.